I called my dentist and made an appointment for a chipped tooth After a wedding in Tahoe, I think it was maybe from the farro or the roasted mushrooms There’s something magical about the mountain air up there I didn’t know the bride’s friends very well but I left an impression on all the parents Any time you get a bunch of 30-something single white women in the same room Who’ve known each other almost their whole lives it’s gonna be hard to punch through The thick barrier of brunches, bloody Marys and sparkling white wine And hey that’s their thing and I think that’s just fine And we talked about buying a house over there But I got enough going on Like, I’m at Tiny Telephone right now and I’d like to finish up a couple more songs Everybody’s talking Talk talk talk Everybody’s sipping Sip sip sip I stayed close to my girlfriend who maybe felt a little differently Shaking my head, don’t single her out because of her ethnicity Like all the middle aged aunts and uncles bringing up their big trip to Pakistan Or the Berkeley folks like, “I love biryani, what’s that good place called with all the different naan” But I had a great time, and I appreciate all the work they put into it Those two have a great thing going on and we relaxed back by the fire pit At the River Grill, listening to all the classics while the girls were sippin’ and flockin’ Like Harvest Moon and Harry Nilsson’s Everybody’s Talkin’ And we talked about Neil Young and music from the past all night long all night long I turn thirty-five in a few days and I gotta take care of this chip in my tooth on Monday A chip in my tooth A chip in my tooth A chip in my tooth A chip in my tooth Just as I finished up an overdue haircut at Joe’s Barbershop In a rare event my phone rang, it was my dad calling me up My phone’s display reminded me I still haven’t taken my mom’s name off the caller ID My dad wanted to let me know he was shipping her Gibson Ripper bass from the mid-70s to me Due to a hack job repair, involving a metal washer, that bass has electrocuted me several times over the years Voivod played Slim’s this spring, and Jason Newstead showed up playing an identical bass during a surprise encore appearance My dad had to run and get a few hundred gallons of fuel for his new place to last through the winter And now I’m planning another stop by Gary Brawer to check the Ripper’s neck, and I’m sure some other repairs will be in order And we talked about my dad’s friend Gene who lives down in Maine They’ve been friends since high school and I don’t even know how long that’s been And my dad told me there’s no more news today And everyone’s doing okay And although I was afraid to bring it up, I hope that since my Dad didn’t say anything, that Gene’s recovering pretty good from his stroke Everyone’s okay Everyone’s okay Everyone’s doing okay Everyone’s doing okay

You don't call me ever on the phone Am I supposed to listen to Thin Lizzy and get high on my own I went by the restaurant Becky said you don't work there anymore She said one guy too many made a pass at you and you walked out the door You dropped your apron in the parking lot and never came back for your last paycheck I don't see you ever at the bar I'm always on the lookout for your busted ass Windstar Your name's off your buzzer There's no welcome mat sitting outside your door Your neighbor said the landlord raised the rent so you wouldn't pay it anymore You cleared the whole place out in a single night and you were up and gone before it was light You used to get so mad I couldn't take you serious I'd make one stupid joke and you'd act furious You even warned me once that you'd get out somehow I guess you're somewhere laughing now Wild one wild one where'd you go Wild one wild one where'd you go Trisha please come home

I started dancing just to be around you Here's to thinking that it all meant so much more I kept my mouth shut and opened up the door I wanted nothing but for this to be the end For this to never be a tight and empty hand If all the trouble in my heart would only end I lost my dream, I lost my reason all again It's not just me for you I have to look out too I have to save my life I need some peace of mind I am the only one now I am the only one now I am the only one now You may not be around You may not be around You may not be around I am the only one now I am the only one now I am the only one now I am the only one now

For whatever reason last night I woke up unsettled at five AM Dimmed the screen on my phone and read the headlines coming in A "warehouse" fire in Fruitvale, the deadliest in America in a decade The Ghost Ship was a fiery cage as it went down in flames First nine then ten, twenty-four, and now thirty-six confirmed inside The search was ongoing Saturday night, the body count was rising They don’t suspect arson, said the fire chief and it’s not a crime scene, said the OPD There are friends and relatives pouring over building code regulations Trying to find meaning, searching for explanations If you’ve never lost a loved one, if you’ve never paid for a burial or cremation There’s a clock that’s ticking, while you click on Facebook invitations The East Bay arts and music scene influencers with party outfits and color-streaked hair were looking for cheap freedom and just wanted to dance in a building that didn’t have sprinklers or stairs Youth... the disenfranchised... paid a promoter looking for a good percentage of the door to get into a fire trap cooler than Uptown’s "expensive," "pretentious," "unaffordable" “Why do you Americans build your houses out of matchsticks?" my British roommate asked in 2003, jokingly I said you have a point and we laughed and we talked about how much we both loved David Bowie I drove to Santa Cruz to the Play it Again Sports parking lot to pick up an old amplifier that I bought This dusty amplifier’s almost three times older than some of the victims and it’s just an object and at a stop light I almost cried thinking of the burning Ghost Ship I visited the burn ward at a hospital in Anchorage and I saw third-degree domestic violence burn victims completely covered in sickly pink-and-white bandages It was a scare tactic after getting busted for drinking half a beer in my dorm room I was breathalyzed by my future landlord and I was twenty-two when I got to the courtroom And I could tell the nurse was like, "you’re doing fine" But I remember that experience and I know there are scars that will never heal on the inside I just recorded a song about a friend’s suicide and another about a fatal traffic accident Even if the flames and smoke didn’t touch them, everyone in the city I love, Oakland, will remain traumatized by this preventable event My heart goes out to the victims My heart goes out to the families of those affected My heart goes out to the crew who saw the devastation My heart goes out to those who suffered from the indifference of that fire

I sold an old Fender amp to a young skater kid He played it with my guitar, he wasn't that good But hauled it away for a hundred bucks I held the door for him and wished him good luck walked up the street to get some x-rays Took the CD from the nurse, got a salad at Jane Waited around for an hour or so To find out what’s next with the plate in my elbow “The doctor will see you as soon as he is able” I noticed a book, “Moving Stories,” on the coffee table I had something downtown so I took a bus After waiting outside for the fucking 31 a beautiful day under a beautiful sun I thought about Prince and everything he's done Sat down for a drink at Market and Hyde Where people were talking about “When Doves Cry” It got me thinking about my own run in life I practiced guitar late into the night Another dreamless sleep before this April session Already thinking up verses for the next one I'll spend the rest of the week packing up my things moving some shit into a storage place Back to home depot for boxes and tape Gotta pack up my Guitar Center SG bass I hope my landlord makes a pretty penny All the new kids in my neighborhood bum me out anyway Who gives a shit, it's triple the rent But I get to spend every day with my girlfriend It's just another change, I'm over it I got a story of my own and who cares? I own it I visited my friend Christine last week the Mission I took a trip to her neighborhood to pay her a visit It was a month or two ago that her dad passed away In Pasadena, California just outside L.A. The San Francisco air was misty, rainy and sunny too a beautiful sky you never get used to she opened the door to her apartment and the first thing she said was, “There’s a double rainbow!” so we went to her roof to look at it And we looked out towards the East Bay Over Potrero Hill across the water where I used to stay And there was a rainbow in the sky And we hung out for a while and then we said goodbye

I got some news on you from a friend You're in Charlotte again Teaching Spanish at high school He said you're going by Joy You cut your hair like a boy And you don't talk to your old friends I found a picture from before the fight We're in natural light And you're sitting on my lap Like everything's all right I've walked around with you on my mind The names we used at the time You know I've changed myself since then I've thought on things that you said What if we'd had the kid I guess he'd be 15 I found a picture from before the fight We're in natural light And you're sitting on my lap Like everything's all right

The last time I saw you We were only twenty-two or maybe twenty-three Standing in the same aisle In the New Sagaya downtown on Thirteenth I told you you looked like shit you told me you were sick We both wore big poofy coats and looked like marshmallows And you asked me if I had a brother I don’t remember the color of your eyes You were always so fucking funny You did the best impersonations Everyone was cracking up, you could have given Larry David a run for his money You would come over to our house We’d listen to Modest Mouse you’d have a few beers and have fun We’d have the best time standing around the porch outside in the dark and I was seeing someone else And at some point you’d sheepishly run off and I wondered where you went and ran off to I don’t know what happened or where you went off to Sometimes I wonder how it is that everything is fucked up all the time Sometimes I just feel like my heart is being ripped out And other times I stop and stare at a perfect flower on the city streets “Maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again” I don’t really believe in that kind of thing But it’s nice to dream

Good morning beautiful city Doesn't smell so good after the rain On my way to my haircut Crossing the street in my head Cars screech between me and the curb again Famous singer-songwriter backing band friends Thanks to the tickets to your show and the conversation It was fun being backstage at the Greek with the band After me and Beau were shaken By one of your six thousand drunk angry fans Six thousand drunk white people in this place An ocean of screaming pink faces Not as drunk as the crowd at Neil Young Now back on the bus and Run run run We met a friendly drunk fan by the tour bus And picked up your keyboard to fix He asked everyone but me About the key to success I caught a ride home and gave my girlfriend a kiss

We went somewhere for brunch It took over four hours I don't know why eating breakfast takes half a day And costs over a hundred dollars Sometimes on weekends my dad made breakfast on Saturdays Potatoes and toast and ketchup and bacon from the microwave And me and my dad watching X-Men cartoons when he wasn’t busy My mom in her denim shirt in her garden picking berries with me Watching the sun shine through the window, our soundtrack was Yanni I washed the paint from her brush and from her wedding ring When I was three my grandfather visited and he and my dad built a playhouse And came back from a hunt and in it strung up a bloody moose carcass When I was feeling bold I would take my dad's guitar out of its case An early 80's Custom Les Paul with gold humbucker pickups and a turquoise strap that my mom made And play as loud as I could through his smoky amplifier The colors faded from sweat and playing bars and clubs over the years When I was seven we went to Florida and I couldn't handle the heat I came to with my mom pushing a Mickey Mouse popsicle on my forehead at the Miami Sound Machine

I woke up and lay in bed for a minute trying to figure out how to get some new guitar tones I need to have a conversation with Dan and Beau But I gotta get paid before I have people building extended range guitars for me As my bank account is pretty low It’s November 26, last night we ordered Indian food and stayed in And watched some show on Netflix with a bunch of swords and a lot of skin You don’t need a holiday when you’re thankful all the time And I just read that Fidel Castro died last night In 1961 my uncle was at the bay of pigs, I visited him in Cridersville in the mid-2000s, I drove from Pittsburgh with my blonde ex girlfriend my aunt superglued her tooth, there were Mack trucks and a dog named Tom in the yard Grandfather was late-stage and rocked a doll like a real child in his arms I was struck by how similar everything looked to the way things were back home The two were brothers, they were connected, and it showed My dad was teased by my uncle until he knocked him out cold one day with a 2x4 And thought grandma’d be mad but she laughed; it was the last time they ever quarreled Glen was buried with a military funeral, it helped out My mom emailed me, the subject read, “Your uncle Glen - SAD” She wrote to me, Dear Kevin, Uncle Bill just called Dad and I to let us know that your uncle Glen has passed away. He died today from a stroke and could not be revived. Uncle Bill is contacting family members right now. Dad says Glen just would not listen to anyone about eating all those donuts. He was about 350 pounds. Preventable death. Makes me so sad and angry at the same time. I'll let you know more when we find out. Bill was going to call Grandma after he talked to us. Take care, Love, MOM xo (November 6th, 2011) Well Fidel, you did it. You outlasted Glen and some family I never got to know. And what’s this, Gloria Estefan just put out a touching photo Of her family on a raft to America on the internet My girlfriend’s up now and she just brought me coffee and I’m going to take a break and drink it “May freedom continue to ring in the United States, my beautiful adopted country” Now I’m drinking my coffee looking out my apartment window at a palm tree waving in the Mission breeze thankful for everything I have and everything I’m allowed to be Gloria Estefan’s sentiment rings true to me We are all connected. Freedom will continue to ring, Gloria Estafan. Regardless of whether you’re in the Great White North, Florida, or Northern California Remember, if someone tries to push you around, you gotta push back My girlfriend and I took a walk over to the Castro to get some good coffee beans cuz we were out We stopped by the bookstore where my dad bought a Cher biography But I was lost in thought as we walked around Past the tree below which Ronald Merritt Junior’s body was lying on the ground Covered by a medical examiner’s body bag, a blood stain near his head where he bled The same colors as a holiday ribbon tied silver and red around that tree His sister sent me a photo of the two of them as kids, she kissed her brother on the cheek. She said, I am the sister of the deceased, Ronald T Merritt, Jr. I would love to talk to you as of the image you remembered. It appears that my brother had a meeting at the Safeway across the street for the “Feed the Need” food drives that are taking place throughout the Bay Area. Eradicating homelessness is what got Ronnie up every morning. Although he called us every Thanksgiving, he never came during Thanksgiving because of his volunteer work to serve the homeless on that day. So we always set a placemat at the table as to his honorable deeds. It was well known about Ron's life-long passion for helping the needy, and the disenfranchised. “We are all connected” is not just a song by Voivod “We are all connected” is not just a Neil Degrasse Tyson quote “We are all connected” is not just a vapid yoga affirmation We are all connected, and this planet, there’s only one of them Even though there are terrifying things in it sometimes rich men in fatigues or red ballcaps may frighten you and make you promise you’re moving to New Brunswick while they make false promises all day long to lure the downtrodden and the disenfranchised Just think of people like Ronald Merritt, Jr. Who cared so deeply about people who have no voice Who cared for the homeless, and the disenfranchised Who died tragically in an accident in front of a Whole Foods, and his sister needs to understand it but can’t What happened to my mom’s long lost brother Christopher? Did he die in Washington in Vancouver? Was he by himself, alone and marginalized? Or was there someone there for him by his side? Now I’m finishing up some words about a someone I once knew Her name was Lindsay, and she killed herself in the mid-2000s We weren’t the closest of friends, we never kissed or held hands But I wonder if anyone this year set an empty placemat

A few days ago I was staring at Claude the albino Alligator now I’m staying up too late staring at the news at night I need a new ritual It’s been a fall I won’t soon forget So many good ones are gone Don’t talk to me about the president elect The Great American Music Hall I’m listening to music tonight with my dad, that’s all None of my stories seem to be As heavy as the toughest year 2016 A few days ago My dad was with me in San Francisco We took a drive up north To see redwood trees On November 5 2016 The same night Ronald T. Merritt Junior died on Market Street Dad ate Japanese ramen for the first time We went to Old Jerusalem on election night And spent some quiet days Then he headed home in an airplane

I listened to Marc Maron's Joanna Newson interview They talked about their doctor parents and her harp and her music And the little hippie town she grew up in And how one particular dude growing marijuana Fed his weed plants special yogurt It made me laugh out loud at the gym Then something happened and someone called the paramedics And two fire trucks pulled up alongside Noe Street They carried in a stretcher and someone needed help but I couldn’t see And I turned around and there he was An older man: too skinny, tattoos, and he looked really pale But he had a smile on his face He didn't seem worried about it He just smiled and they wheeled him away And he stayed in my mind all day I got plums from the market and a bouquet of flowers And I went home and played an eight-string guitar

today is a really good day only good lies before me abundance flows into my life in surprising ways life loves me all is well I release all drama from my life and now get energy from peace “you hate everyone equally” “you hate everyone equally” I was in a giant humidified glass bubble looking at tiny orange frogs and blue butterflies When my brother sent me a chat message, as he does fairly often—although this one was a surprise In a twist, I read a news article about my mom’s oncologist Indicted on four counts of tax evasion in Alaska, while on vacation in the Caribbean He was obese and wore frumpy silk shirts with beer and margaritas on them And in his giant living room in his big house on Big Lake he kept a tyrannosaurus rex skeleton My dad was beside me and he could see that I was becoming livid, I can be a handful He did his best to reassure me and rubbed my shoulder and said, “Let it go.” all is well, and so am I I am greeted with love wherever I go I look with expectation to my next moment which is fresh and new I don’t blame myself I don’t blame myself I am pain free and totally in sync with life Let it go, let it go, let it go Let it go, let it go, let it go Let it go, let it go, let it go Let it go, let it go, let it go I messaged back, “I always said that motherfucker was a goddamned fucking piece of shit asshole” My brother like oh this again said, “you hate everyone equally” “you hate everyone equally” Despite how pissed off I was he sent me a funny internet picture that made me laugh I’ll remain forever disgusted that we couldn’t even get a wheelchair, and this fuckface steals millions in cash She lay in the living room, covered with an old sheet, the room was dark without her light The cremation center’s corpulent owner asked me about my new cell phone’s battery life Leonard Cohen, Gwen Ifill… Leon Russell said “Hallalujah” when he was indicted into the rock and roll hall of fame And the united states just elected a tax-dodging piece of shit douchebag twitter egg troll And is trying to figure out who to blame I don’t know how much life remains I don’t know how much life remains I don’t know how much life remains I don’t know how much life remains Let it go, let it go, let it go Let it go, let it go, let it go Let it go, let it go, let it go Let it go, let it go, let it go We walked to a Thai restaurant and I got all pissy, acting like an out-of-line hater In front of my dad and my girlfriend after looking at a gigantic albino alligator And I’m grateful for everything I have in my life And I’m grateful for everything I have in my life Like my girlfriend and brother and father who were right there by my side

December morning chill An empty orange bottle on the floor with no more refills Sunrise 7:10am Breakfast with my girlfriend Open the blinds to look outside Sheets of smooth grey underneath the sky It’s been a few weeks and I’ve had a little break from travel Some people think it’s exotic, but it’s lonely and it’s a big hassle To live in hotels and look out at airplane wings Missing out on life at home and the little things Primary physician… Allergists… Ears nose throat… I just had surgery a few weeks ago And what a lifesaver Dr. Kenyon has been For helping me clear up a massive infection It’s crazy how you let some things float right on by Vanessa wrote me a doctor’s note To stay home for a month or so I guess I needed the rest more than I realized Western gulls climb high and dive The morning rain is cold but they don’t seem to mind The air outside makes me think of home I’m reminded of Rob Czarneski, The Czar of Guitars Who died of a tumor in his brain and spinal column A lot like what happened to my mom It’s December 5th, 2015, and last night I got into an argument with my girlfriend. We were talking about Aziz Ansari and Alan Yang’s new series, “Master of None,” when she spoiled the ending of an episode. I felt bad about the whole thing but I know she loves me and she knows I love her, too. In four days it'll be my mom's birthday. She would have been 65 years old. What would she have thought of that—me getting into some dumb argument about a Netflix comedy series? After Thanksgiving, we got tickets to fly home to Alaska to spend time with my dad and my brother. I can't wait for her to meet them. I'm pretty tired, and my girlfriend and I are going to get some tofu and matcha noodles from Mission Chinese Food. It's a little chilly walking back from Tiny Telephone. Everyone's really drunk and wearing onesies. It's about 9:30pm and it's Saturday night.