I joked with the folks at Whole Foods about the drought and the winter rains
Just at the point where things were going okay

But here it comes, bad news, once again
The familiar flood of messages on my phone taking over my brain

To spread the word about the scheduled viewing
Of Angie Hathaway this Sunday at Driscoll's Mortuary in the Mission

Her death was sudden and unexpected
To see the Great American music hall’s marquee on O’Farrell Street
Or to attend a memorial at Slim’s
Right now is too much for me

If there’s nothing else I know
it’s that I understand the pain of losing a loved one too soon

But not in this way
Angie was younger than me

Sometimes I can hardly believe the words I read
I guess today’s the kind of day when my phone blows up unexpectedly
where I find myself reading all of a sudden
“Angie is survived by her husband”

Every moment on Earth is a gift
And yes it’s difficult to stay positive in light of recent events

Angie was far too young to have left us
for now I’m still here, and so is her bereaved husband.

Who is still alive
He knows I’ll be here to support, and not to criticize

I’m not depressed, I have no anxiety
I haven’t been remotely sad lately
Today I don’t give a fuck about politics
or the Vulgarian-in-chief
And tomorrow I’m walking over
To an open casket funeral
a few blocks from my house
to be there to pay my respects
To Angie and her friends and loved ones

There is nothing worse on this earth than losing someone
Remember that the next time you have relationship problems
Deciding what to watch on the television can cause very real relationship problems that may haunt your mind
Next time you argue over what to watch on Netflix or Amazon
remember we are like machines
with an off switch somewhere inside

Remember the next time you turn up your nose at a someone with a needle in their arm lying on the street next to their pitbull puppy
To think about what it means to be survived by

Remember the next time you look down with disgust at a street crackhead junkie
To think about what it means to be survived by

Remember the next time you find yourself shaking your head after hearing about your favorite musician’s celebrity overdose or heart attack death
To think about what it means to be survived by

If you want to listen to cliché metaphors about death listen to your favorite Spotify playlist
I might suggest "Tears in Heaven” if you were born in the 70s or early 80s and like Eric Clapton
Or “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” for a modern twist, it’s a beautiful song written by Ben Gibbard

If you’re a millennial I’m sure there are plenty of songs out there I’m unfamiliar with
I don’t recall hearing any meaningful songs about death recently in my Lyfts

I have a lot to be grateful for, and I’d rather recommend to put all that aside

And listen to this next line
which came sincerely from Angie’s sister through tears, here’s this to dwell on:
“The world is brighter because it was lit by Angie’s smile.”
I wanted to say, “that doesn't mean it's darker now that she's gone”
But speaking up at funerals isn’t my style, or my preferred platform

And any more details wouldn’t be right to share



Many days have passed.

It’s now February 2018, nearly a year after the funeral.

Things are fine in San Francisco, although I got a few more x-rays last week and an MRI on Friday.

I hope to hear back from Dr. Knee soon, hopefully tomorrow, because it’s been hard to get around.

I’m getting older and I have to take care of myself and watch what I eat.


I went to Europe for the first time this year.

I went to Portugal and had a great trip, despite the fact that it was around New Year’s and everything was kind of closed.

Luckily I was staying near a nice Chinese restaurant by the water in Porto.

I ordered a dish that was like if you took the noodles from instant ramen and deep fried them and put them on a plate.


Everyone was happy and in a celebratory mood.

There was a woman at a large circular table with what seemed to be her whole family.

She got increasingly louder to the amusement of everyone in the restaurant.

We were all sharing looks and smiles with each other.

She went on for hours, sharing many bottles of vino verde and laughing.

At one point she started making really loud noises and hand gestures in the air like she was jerking a guy off and giving him a blowjob.

She was moaning and moaning and moaning. Everyone started giggling.

But I was still jetlagged and I got to sleep before eleven.

I had a great trip, and bought some new old cameras, but the beautiful, narrow streets proved a bit tough for me

I must have looked like an old man, limping around on the old cobblestones.

A few days later I met a Fado player named Alfredo, and I ended up buying a beautiful guitar that I have with me now.



Everyone was going insane screaming and sobbing and howling.
Angie’s friends had a lot of piercings and tattoos and their makeup was edgy.
One girl I recognized from several years back.
She was dancing on top of the bar
at Radio in downtown Oakland.
Back then she seemed to be having the time of her life and it was so sad to see her so upset and broken down.
The memory of that day will never leave me.

I sat alone on a pew in Driscoll’s Serra Mortuary
Writing down some notes on my phone

I’ll never forget The Great American Music Hall’s Marquee
FOREVER
WE LOVE YOU
ANGIE

I’ll never forget The Great American Music Hall’s Marquee
FOREVER
WE LOVE YOU
ANGIE

I sat at that pew and I a new group text message with many unknown numbers came in
Suma’s sister was gone
Suma had sent a message to tell me and my girlfriend
she was at the airport on a flight to Karnataka
The surreal and intense sympathy washed over me
already surrounded by the sorrow of everyone grieving
And I held in my hands a copy of “See A Little Light” by Bob Mould
Which I picked up on the walk

And I went back into the world now
Up Guerrero, all the way to Hill street

which is aptly named because it is in fact on the top of very tall hill
Past where I walked and crossed the path of a little grey fluffy kitty cat
who comes out to say hello to me from time to time whenever I walk past